Picture the scene: its transfer window deadline day and Jim White is selecting which of his yellow ties is the yellowest before downing a cocktail of Red Bull, Monster and Lucozade. He’s pumped man, he is pumped! Hell yeah! The punch bag gets a spinning roundhouse kick before his dressing room door springs open… it’s show time!
He marches on to the yellow Sky Sports News HD HQ don’t miss Sky Movies +1 sponsored by Sky News in association with Sky One set to see whom his glamorous assistant shall be on this day to end all days in the history of football…. EVER! He inspects her dress to ensure it is yellow enough, but not too yellow to upstage him; for he is the ruler, the king, the lord almighty of the greatest Transfer Window television the universe has ever seen…. EVER!
“So here we go, it’s the day you’ve all waited for since the last one, it’s Transfer Window deadline day bitches!” spouts White enthusiastically, but all during a commercial break. A discussion ensues and Jim reluctantly agrees to drop the “bitches” from his opening introduction for the millions…. and millions of The White’s fans.
Jim delivers his introduction with fluid delirium, his tie glistens in its yellow magnificence; his glamorous assistants dress is bland in comparison to his shiny yellowness. It’s time people, time to go around the grounds to prove that the Premier League is the greatest league in the world ever, since football was invented in 1992… EVER!
We go to an outside reporter in a jacket; no bright yellow tie for this underling, he is dull in comparison. He must slum it with the local plebs gathered round outside a training ground, dressed in their tracksuits of dubious origin. The children have been there all day, making V signs at the camera, in between their Greggs sausage rolls and cans of No Fear; not a sign of a truant officer for these street urchins. The brow beaten reporter, flanked by purple dildos, reliably informs us his sources have told him something might happen, even though the training ground is in complete darkness and the only person remaining is a solitary security guard, slurping his flask of coffee. The shivering reporter looks longingly at that flask of coffee.
We return to the studio and Jim is not happy; he sold us on drama and excitement damn it! Jim ponders on the many ways he’d fire that reporter as we go to our commercial break, sponsored by Sky.
After our three minute diet of Sky products sponsored by Sky, it’s time for us to see the giant yellow clock to reminder us how long is left of this greatest ever transfer window deadline day in the history of transfer deadline days ever… EVER! Jim looks a bit intimidated by the giant yellow clock, it’s not as yellow as his tie, but it is huge. “that clock has to go” thinks Jim as we switch to his assistant showing us what Peter Odemwingie would get out of 20 on Football Manager for his reverse parking.
Dharmesh Sheth is next with his giant tablet tv, scrolling through club badges and potential rumoured players who might be remotely linked. Jim is not impressed, he can still recall the Babel-copter; those were the days, these modern day presenters are not battle hardened like Jim. He has paid his dues, back when there was a transfer deadline day every day, and twice on Sundays!
Jim’s glamorous assistant smiles at him; yeah, he’d fire her too. He still remembers her showing off, pronouncing those foreign names properly. But it’s ok, because it’s now time to chat to one of the Soccer Saturday crew, sponsored by Sky Bet in association with Sky Sports and Sky Box Office; those Soccer Saturday guys still remember real football when players would eat a steak and drink ten pints of lager in the post-match interview and give statisticians wedgies and steal their dinner money. That was all before football was officially invented in 1992, so there’s no proof it really existed.
We’re back to the desk with Jim and the giant yellow clock is in the background. It doesn’t look so big now, its yellowness still insignificant compared to Jim’s yellow tie. We’re being told Sky sources, otherwise known as Twitter, say Gareth Bale could be on the move. Jim looks excited, finally something to get his teeth in to; but the glee is short lived, Gareth is just thinking about a new house in Madrid. Dharmesh shuts his giant tablet tv down, the outside reporters send the plebs and urchins on their way, the glamorous assistant turns to Jim to count down the giant yellow clock. It’s New Year’s Eve all over again, except Big Ben has nothing on Sky Sports News HD HQ +1 sponsored by Sky on demand.
Jim White has the phone numbers of all the top managers people. They may not answer their phone when he rings, but he has their number, and that’s the bottom line cos Jim said so. The clock strikes eleven, or in the case of the countdown clock, zero.
Another greatest transfer deadline day in the history of transfer deadline days ever is over and Jim is as distraught as any of us that pinned our hopes on anything exciting happening.
